A regular once more?

so, i’m wondering if my regularity will once again return to this site. we shall see.

THE NEWS: i am setting off once again, moving on and moving out, once more. my question: how many more times until i find the right place?!??! i will keep trying until i find the right place. i know it’s out there.

THE THOUGHTS OF TODAY: well i just got out of a nice hot shower, that i took to relax myself. i am really lonely again, and i have already made the decision that i need new friends because the ones i was hanging out with and i dont get along. i’ve not made new REAL friends for a verry long time. and REAL is what im looking for now, and when i say REAL, i mean: some one i can be honest with, i dont have to dance around with a whole bunch of drama, someone who takes things AS THEY ARE, and dont worry about “underlying meanings” because thats all BULL SHIT. i really hate drama, it’s driving me crazy. FUCKING TEENAGERS. god, why cant all the teen agers just GROW the FUCK uPPPPP!?!??!?!?? two people in general. dumb bitches. i wont say their names though, because this is the internet and that would be dumb, and weird.

thought number two. i feel like my acceptance to change is not what it used to be, and i am having a hard time adapting [if you will] to my new environment. i feel crazy walking around here, like why did i just drop everything and move to a completely new city? why did i feel that i could handle this? i mean i can, and i think it will all turn out better in the end, but i’m having a hard time right  now. i wish i had some one who could just give me a big hug and tell me it will all be ok. thats what i want right now.

however, i dont have it, so i have to face life, try and live more in the moment, and know that they will. i honestly think that people at my work think i’m crazy because i hardly ever focus at work and dont really pay attention,  one of the most out going girls there said that my mind was on another mission. she said thats what all minds do when they cant focus. there is another girl named sandra and she’s worse i think than i am, i hope i dont look as bad as her. she’s always humming and muttering to herself. i hope i at least have the decency to keep my mouth shut while im on another mission. i dont want to turn out like her, i’m to young too.

thought number three: maybe i’ll just become christian to supress my lonelyness. a lot of other people do it, why cant i. then i wont look SO crazy when i close my eyes and think just to myself. then i can just say oh i’m thinking of god. or something. JUST KIDDING. HOLY MACARONIE!!! ok, i know i’m lonely, but going back and reading that last one, wow, now i’m going to start believeing in fictional characters. SHIT SON! what am i going to doooo?!~>!??!?!? eh, option two find some guy and become his everything i guess. no, i’ll take option number three, become a whole person in myself, and regain my confidence, and work things out on my own. then think about a guy, and all that other happy horse shit.

thought number four: i am so sick of condecending people and feeling crappy. i need to find an ego booster QUICK!!

How Verry Well You Are At Advertising, My Dear

If only you were as good at life in general as you are at kissing ass to barley get by. Your smooth words win over many souls a noumerous amount of times, if you could only keep your word and follow through with your actions.

I have seen your ways and will be brought down by your stupidity and lazyness no more, and while others have faith in you i have hope, but only for their sakes and not yours. While you may smear my name across the page with rotten shit right now, the future will clearly show who has the go to to follow through.

My tears and sadness reek with depression as we speak, but i am growing out of being weak. I hate you for all the time i wasted on you, and all the promices you’ve broken. I appoligize for my share of falling through. I am only human. I am no wonder woman. Your lies will reach my ears no more.

This one goes out to a used to be friend who lost me my own, and now her myspace is COVERED in her dedication to the world and these innocent by standards praises. Oh wow. My mistake is trusting her in the first place. Someone with so much hatred built up can only lead to trouble.

Just so you know.

I’m turning this into my bitching blog, because i need somewhere to vent to, because i just cant go forever with out complaining, and right now i have to put my best face forward. just a warning.

Jumping to Confusion, i mean Conclusions.

Shit is building up, but as variables change so does the outcome. This is really something that i am learning lately, and i am getting probably the harshest lesson in it that i possibly could. People that i have considered friends for forever are after a second look not looking good, which has led to me acting in a manor that is not unreasonable for myself and my own needs in life. Unfortunately this involves us not being friends, however before you jump to conclusions much like everyone around me seems to be doing stop and think about it, and you’ll see that once more common sense prevails and i [as usual] am right. And for once I am going to stand up for MY self. When things aren’t going well change must happen, and all you can do is hope for the best. Which is my position.

So here’s the scoop. I have three buddies of mine that i was going to move in with. The first one used to be my best friend, i moved-we both changed-i am now living with her parents, which I owe them so much for-, The second one old buddie who i have known since grade school-not the best of people. Third is second ones best friend also first buddies bf.

I wasn’t a while ago so sure if i wanted to move in with the second buddie due to her over dramatic nature and total lack of respect for cleanlyness.  in other words she kinda smells funny, her house is kinda dirty and like she doesn’t take care of her self at all.  Picture mc donalds gone goth.

I told my first buddie whom i currently live with that and she told me i had to talk to the second buddie on my own. I said ok. Buddie number one jumped to the conclusion that i was going to start a bitch fight and called buddie number three told him to tell buddie number two only that “she had nothing to do with what COULD happen involving me.” He told buddie number two that i said i wanted her kicked out of the situation blah blah blah. Buddie number two only a few hours of me saying this calls me up and starts yelling at me. at first i tryed to be all calm but after a certain point just said fuck it, but what i told her was she had it wrong and that calling me up and yelling at me was NO way to try and get me to move in with her. For the next two days no one would stop calm down and listen to the fact that all iwas going to do when i went to talk to buddie number two if i even did would have been just to make sure she was clean, not going to try and do shit and maybe work out something. I was never going to scream at her, or anything like that at all and i hate the fact that no one gave me the benifit of the doubt or even calmed down or tryed to listen to what i was saying.

So, after the water settled i went and talked to buddie number one and now we’re not getting a place which is ok with me. Mostly because i am not going to live in a house where everyone is going to gang up on me and think of me in a way that i’m not.

I mean, i understand that yea i have changed in the time that i’ve been gone, and yea, im way different but you know, it’s like none of them stop to listen to me, and i cant really live in a situation like that. Maybe i did get the situation wrong but you know what, if we cant communicate on a calm pleasant basis there is no reason we should move in together.

Phew it feels so good to get that off my chest.

now off to search for appartments.

Overload and Drama equals One annoyed shelley

Oh me oh my. i never really liked cherry pie.

Being back in the real world is a lot different than i thought it would be, although, that might have something to do with the fact that i think not lying to myself is ACTUALLY working. Not that it’s making anything easier or better right now, but im getting the things i want more. I’m not looking forward to the fact that tomorrow i actually have to get up early and go out and get another fast food job, just in case the job i applyed for at the hotel falls through. Since i’m looking for a job that im intending on keeping for awhile im being a bit pickeyer than i was the first time around i went job hunting. Because now i have a little -teney tiney – bit of experience under my belt and i know more of what i want.

UGH! another problem on the horizon. ok i lied, it’s not on the horizon it’s sitting in my living room drinking soda. This girl, whos about to be my room mate, i’ll call her alvin for name sake and not spilling details. you wanna know the story? ..good. Alright, this girl Alvin, i’ve known her since second grade. aka i know her about as well as i know myself. [and the fact that i dont know myself that well really has nothing to do with this i was merley referring to how one should know one's self is how i know alvin.] she’s not a pretty person physically or mentally, nothing about her is nice. she can make an awesome illusion of amazing-ness when she wants to sure, but her deep down self, i doubt has changed within the last two years i have seen her. however i’m not yet sure i can handle living with her. just her habits and dirtyness and lack of responsibility and so on. i told one of my other room mates to be and she FREAKED out. and now there is nothing  but drama drama drama on my door. Hell maybe i’ll get lucky and they wont want to be my roomie and then i wont have to. That is a ok with me. If they ask ME not to, i wont, i can find somewhere else easily. however i’m not going to go to the trouble of trying to kick one of them out, or removing myself because it is such a delicate situation. If need be i’ll sneak out right as the ball drops when it comes to signing the lease, and squiggle my way out of it.

On top of that, i really want to find some people who i can relate to, and be friends with. So, i really want to focus on finding real friends who aren’t going to talk shit about me beind my back it’s just i have no idea where to look. I’ll just do what i love doing and hope to find someone awesome along the way? i guess thats a good way to go. then at least we’ll have something in common. Man it’s been so long since i’ve been around a variety of people, it’s weird, and i cant let the illusion brought up by seeing alot of faces every day cover the fact that at this moment in time i dont have and true honest to god i’ll be there when shit happens and back you up and be back up when needed friends. I just have to get myself motivated and excited enough to be more outgoing again. I’ve become so secluded. i wish at times like these i had someone to slap me across my face and tell me im being silly again. oh wait i do. well thats all for now, i’m gonna go make a call.thanks for reading to all my fans. haha jk bout that last part. PEACE.

What Do I DO?!? any advise welcome.

OK, So i just moved in with my best friends mom and her recently. Or rather my old high school best friend from two years ago. She just graduated and i would have had i stayed in school. I have moved around alot these past two years and been through alot. We have both changed, and i have stopped lying to myself. Now, im not sure what kind of change has taken place, or what the cause is, but i find hanging out with her and my old friends absolutely tedious work. I barley do anything all day, and yet at the end of the day i am tired extreamly mentally and physically. I am hopefully getting a job at the hotel where she works at as a maid, and my interview is tomorrow, and by the end of the summer we are hoping to move into a house for going to college in.

I am really jealous of her because she has a lot of stuff that i dont have, and has so many more oppertunitys than i do, and yet she is throwing them away like it’s nothing. She had to struggle to graduate when she has so much going for her, and i wish she could see this and live up to how much more awesome she could be, as apposed to settling for whatever because she is lazy, and has been babyd all her life.  I know she is really pissed off at me, and you know, i dont really care. I’m tired of always bowing down and settling for other peoples ideas or backing down in fear of hurting someones feelings, i like my idea for once, and im sticking to it. IM A BITCH GET OVER IT.

My problem is this: do i move in with her now, and maybe go through the trouble of moving out half way through school, or do i choose to back out and look for a place on my own. There is one Key Detail that i have left out until now, which is her moms bf is buying a place for us to move into.  Harsh. that is so tuf. i mean, they have been so supportive of me so far, and they do think im a bit dumb but like whatever, and i cant just throw all that away, and thats another thing, how am i supposed to ever repay them for helping me out? what says thank you as much as i mean it? i think sucking it up and getting through college does. so i guess i’ll stick it out, it’s not like i have to be best friends with the girl, or even friends, we can be roommates and get along just fine, i’ll never hate her, just think she’s making mistakes, which she has a right to just like everyone else. fuck, everyone knows i’ve made to many already. i guess it’s dumb of me to really be doubting all of this over one little argument. i still have my dignity and so does she.

So similar

Here’s a interesting fact. I know this girl who most of the time lies and has a million secrets and you never know if whats coming out of her mouth is true or false. However, i just read a very interesting blog that she wrote on Myspace, which i dont really respect because first of all its myspace, and second of all she’s just painting a picture of who she is through myspace as opposed to going out and creating a life. Anyways, back on track i just finished reading this blog she wrote, most of it is to cover up who the hell she is which is a mystery to me, and there were alot of nasty insuations, however i was astounded at how much truth was in it. About how much life changing truth was in it. and i just thought you know, no matter weather something is for a truthful cause there is truth to a lot of things. In one way i hate that it is so easy to word things right and get away with them, but at the same time it is interesting to see where things go from there. i personally hate lieing and liars, but sometimes you cant avoid them, and as much stress as it seems to be causing me, there is always that time when you just have to put up with it, or deal with it. anyways thats just my interesting little fact of the night. good night.

annoying needy and clingy

basically describes how i feel right now.

i feel like i need people alot, and i would do anything not to loose the people i have. Even the people i have but dont really have, like they live to far away, or we aren’t really that close of friends. At the moment the alchoholic bevredge is my friend. we get along just fine. i’m not really sure who to trust and who not to. People that i love have been turning their backs on me in the wrong ways recently. but i do feel a bit needy and clingy at the moment. It’s just that i finally have something good going for me and i dont want to lose it. I guess it’s just like gambleing, i mean everyone is going to lose in some way but if you have the mind set of you win anyways then you do, dont you? i just need to find my winning streeks, where they lay and what they are.

i have a few ideas but im not going to say if they are or not for sure. because everything changes.

well thats about it for now. but things are still going so there will always be more news. love always and forever. *muah*

The Starting Point

It’s funny to think that i have waited for so long for things, and now that they are happening this is only the beginning. This is where it’s all starting, and yet here i am, just sitting here typing. Life as it turns out is something else completely. I dont even know what it is. all i know is here i am, and im doing my best to live it. I think i’ll try and meet some new people today. I think meeting new people is a must, get some fresh ideas, and opinions, well i have to figure my own out still, but it’s always cool to hear different perspectives.

ok so what should i do now…the brain storming…and the brain storming…what is there to do in this city. besides alot.

REMEMBER [for me to remember obviously] to call danny and tell him i got here ok, and the funnys that went on on the train, and see how he is doing. 2. Get bus pass. 3. Find some cancer. 4. Go to ashleys. 5. Pick up hair dye. 6. Go looking for a JOB!!!!! <<<<<—–most important.

Still a bit nervous

Ok, here’s the scoop, i am now officially moved into my friends house, i took the train down today and here i am. I used to be best friends with who i moved in with, but i havent seen her in like two years, i mean like really seen her. I mean we’ve hung out here and there, but two hundred miles kinda puts a damper on the hanging out you can do with a certain person, especially with the gas prices these days, and my lack of a job.

One of my old kinda friends, or i guess, aquantences just tryed to kill himself. What perfect timing do i have…except not. I feel really bad for him, i wish these things weren’t happening because i know exactly what he is going through. Him and i were never really good friends but i can relate to how he feels, and i hope he gets the help out of it, or manages to kill himself. and i know that sounds like a really bad thing to say, but if possible i mean it in the best way, just i’ve been there before and it’s better to just get it over with, or it feels like it’s better to just get it over with then to come back and face the world. Things worked out for me and i was really lucky, it took a long time for me to get through it, and i hope he can be as strong. It’s hard. I hate hearing what everyone is going through now, because when it was happening to me everyone was all nice to my face, as i’m sure they are to him, and talk about him, as im sure he knows as i did.

well, im sad that me and my bf have grown apart but i guess thats life, as life is change. Hey, i AM verry glad that we’re still friends even, and i don’t have to leave soon. I am really glad i dont have to leave soon. i’m tired of leaving people behind. oh so tired of it. I already miss danny. that’s why i tryed not to like him so much, is i knew i would miss him…as it turns out…that whole not liking danny thing didn’t work out that well, as i got really attached to him, i didn’t realize how much i actually cared for him until i thought tiffany liked him, thats kinda like maria, she didn’t know she like this one dood until someone else asked him to prom, except danny and i were  already dating…but yea…that all for now.

peace