You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2008.
You know, I’d really like to know if there happens to be some other language that everyone goes by, maybe it’s something other than talking, because that would explain why i’m so off key here a lot! Seriously. sometimes it’s just like no one ever takes me seriously or actually listens to me! and its fucking ridiculous. im sick of this shit.
I mean, we’ll all be hanging out doing some random ass thing, and ill suggest some idea, or point out a fact, and everyone will just ignore it and brush it away, then couple minuets later, someone else says pretty close to the exact same thing, and everyone will be like: oh heyyyy!!!
Or i’ll point something out to someone that is or could be happening, you know, when they ask for advise, they’ll politely say “naa your idea sounds like shit” and then week or two down the road, facts are reveled, and look, oh my god, say it isn’t so, but by golly, however it happend, shelley, well, she was right!
I’m not saying im right allllll the time, just pretty damn close to it. heh heh. but really, am i just here for background music? GRRRR!
you know. i think i’ll just have to come up with some other way to get my point across to people, because apparently their ears are not connected to their brains. sad fact. but with all the shit going in there these days, kinda makes sense, so i forgive everyone for giving me the brush off so many times, and just come up some other way to get people to listen to me. geeze.
I don’t know if any of you are into analyzing dreams at all but i had one of the weirdest ones just last night. heres how it went:
I was going through this maze, kinda like God of War [PS2] and having a lot of mini battles here and there. Then i came to a puzzle room. In this room was just a bunch of socials. People that i know from the small town that i live in. I was supposed to do something, not quiet sure what, maybe win them over, maybe perform, but i just wanted to get out of this room and go on.
Then we were all drinking. I was drunk and everyone was still doing there little butterfly life. There was this really cute guy who took me into another room. He thought i was drunk enough to just screw him, but i didn’t want to. I heard him talking to his dad, and his dad said he had to, i can’t remember why. So he came back in and cornered me using more beer and words. I broke down, and when we got naked he was just about to go in me before i examined his penis.
It started off just like every other penis, prolly bout eight or so inches, then it had practically a whole nother penis sticking off the top, but going completely left, and it was like half dagger half penis. I was freaked out and said “what the hell is that?! i cant have sex, that’ll kill me” but the weird thing was i felt like i needed to and he told me i did, so i did it.
When i came out of orgasming, nothing was happening like it really should, my vag was ok, but i was puking up blood nonstop. just more and more. so i went to a doctor and all she said was “your screwed”. then told me how i should have known better and there was nothing she could do to help me, the puking of blood would either stop or i’d die.
Then i woke up. A friend of mine told me that it represents stuff, like i supposedly think that im having dangerous sex, and that its hurting me, not physically, but im suffering from it, i dono, this all just freaks me out a little.
Through the Airwaves
Every beat and breath is planned
In the end your just a tool taken for granted
The truth will never be revealed
Unless they want a go at your heart
They feed you bull shit through the waves
Through the air waves you get “happy” light
Through the sound waves you get moving beats
Wine and bread they’ll go for every time.
Easy are the greedy to rob.
and who is the most selfish of them all but the king of the jungle.
it’s gotta be the top.
Here we sit in ignorance. pretending to dance. saying
its good, its a game.
They feed us bull shit. and we come back for seconds. everyone.
In the past few months I have had no schedules of any kind, and not much in the way of anything to do. As I am 17, live in a small town far outside of life, and can’t get a job because no one will hire me-based off a bad rep. I’m just waiting until my folks can get their shit together [which will be soon] and I can find some way of supporting myself.
The point is, I’m bored. All the time now, even when I’m having fun, it just not as jazzy. There is a constant drone going on just over my head. I’ve lost friends because of it, and have toned my life down to couch potatoe watching little kid movies.
Then, I went on thinking, ya know, maybe I’ve been bored all my life. maybe. I think it’s everyones conformist attitude about life. Everyone thinks what they want, and that everyone else should be like that too. For most people, for the flashy high class rollers, which is what stands out the most, it’s all about looks. It’s all about presentation, so make-up, clothes and shoes are all I “should” be interested in, and then most likely having a presentation career and settling down to have a family. Most of this shit, just doesn’t interest me. I mean, ok, it’s fun in a way, but it gets old real quick.
I’m not interested in giving up, or becoming a bum or anything like that, i mean i do have self respect, but its just, i want to at the end of my days know that there was something to going through all the bull shit. something where i can just say, yup. thats it. right there. i need something to make the bull shit worth it.
I know what it is and i know its kinda right, not “it” but a saying, to be a discoverer you don’t need new landscapes to set your eyes upon, but new eyes to set upon each sight. [unknown] and i honestly think that might have something to it. because i know if i had something great, then that would make up for everything else.
all i want to hear is someone say “i love you” and mean it. its like that quote that everyone hears and yet no knows where it came from.
-people say hate is a strong word but so is love and everyone seems to through that around like it’s nothing.
it’s so funny, and i mean funny as in weird, not funny as in ha ha, to just watch people when they get together, its all wham’s and bam’s. just like tv except better and worse at the same time.
everyone says what they want, sometimes has a whole list planned out, but when they could just have anything they want…bam all of a sudden it doesn’t really matter anymore. I honestly would have givin him anything he wanted. but he didn’t want that. then by continuing the thought you could go on to say that
maybe he just didn’t want anything
I’m so tired of double standards in life, you just can’t satisfy anyone these days.
IS IT SO FUCKING HARD JUST TO LOVE AND BE LOVED?
Is basically what Him and I have been reduced to. Just seconds ago the guy I can’t seem to get over walked out the back door. As always making up some excuse as to why he had to leave right this second. Believe me, honey, you don’t need the excuse.
The thing is between us we have no chemistry, we don’t have much in common, and we’re both two of the most awkward people to be around. Well on my part its just I try and blend in where ever I go taking lead form the other person…For his, not sure. I always need him when I think things are over.
I’m pretty sure it’s my insecure personality that is keeping me tied to him.
What it is he wants I’m just not sure, but my theory that looks the most likely is also the harshest, The sex. The easy sex. The fuck and leave. He tells me stories so deep down inside he doesn’t have to feel bad about it and can convince himself that it’s true and he’s not an ass whole.
The most fucked up thing about it all though. Is we’re both just fine with it now. Talk on the phone when he’s outta town everyday. Fuck like once a week when he’s in town.
Once I move though, I’ll cut off contact. Because otherwise this mind fucking that we’re doing on the side will kill. Kill what I’m not sure about.
I kinda feel like a terrible person. but some part of me just excepts it. It’s weird.
Like I said though. side note is i don’t get along with his friends so they think the worst of me, so that’s why he leaves, to ditch me to hang out with them. which is why i wont feel bad ditching him when i move for some cutie in seattle. But he come’s i try and get him interested in some intellectual thing he hates, we fuck, he munches a bite to eat, awkward conversation where i try and ignore him because i think his ideas are stupid he leaves. yup. It’s all good, all the time.
I think of you and all I see is a dead end. We have come to a point in which we cannot pass. There is no way if we don’t both compromise, to which you and i despise.
Freedom plagues the mind, a word to which it is it’s own trap. wonder that.
A paper rose with lead and time, a deception of the mind. again you lied to me. then covered it up with beautiful words and talk of blue instead of grey.
But you cannot change an empty land, not with a hundred million witch’s not with a hundred thousand wizards not with billions of soldier’s.
Let your hand guide the way back out. Otherwise it was only a trap.
With the path laid down before feet we stumble upon it. Your drunk and tripping on your feet, im not strong enough to carry you.
You try and choke her in the night. The dark aiding your misteak. The quiet a ward against thinking to loudly.
Well. Your wish has come true. She’s no longer alive inside. Although her body still breaths. Minor draw back.
It’s Ok, your unleashed. If indeed that was how you looked upon it. I never really needed it. Pretending is something I’ve gotten good at, just from pretending everythings ok…but it is ok. So. ok. goodbye. ok? ok.
it’ll be mended and forgotten in the morning.
I’m not to sure what I’m supposed to do now. I mean I know. I’m just tired of waiting for the future to get here. I’m tired of being so lonely and feeling terrible inside. I’m tired of people blaming everything on me. It’s not me, its you.
I hate all this waiting. I’m trapped. But there’s not a damn thing i can do about it. I mean sure i could run away, but i don’t feel like becoming a fugitive. I don’t want a life like that. I could never be happy with myself if I took that road. So here I sit. Waiting again. Patience. Goooooooooooood. well. That’s it for me, just dissatisfied.
]titles] i write most of my poetry in names. what i describe alot of the time is a new name for something. It’ll be a different poem if you try and read it with a story in mind. look for a new name of something, those are the elements, which each piece is a puzzle to the over all picture. which is devastatingly true. especially if your listening to weird inspirational music from the background..
Like a poison its dark
it runs down your innards like rain on bare skin
blood clogs the nose
and a haze goes over your smile
your left in an empty land
burnt of everything
i see a starry day
a mixture of dreams and reality
where smiles can go on for miles without heartbreak
i stopped believing to long ago
and now ill never know.
memories of the past todays cage.
a shoe box full of secrets,
a rose of lie’s,
and a heart of water.
what a bizmal disaster.
