You are currently browsing the daily archive for January 6th, 2008.
People really underestimate the damage heart ach can do to a person. especially say, me because i, apparently am so over dramatic about everything. Ok a little side thing here, i just dont get that… like what am i supposed to have the emotional span of an ant? nothings gonna be that great and not everything is terrible…its gotta just be because i dont live under a rock.
Anyways, the real point here, i feel like i died last night. well, it could be that i spent the last year and a half only thinking about one guy, and when we finally go out i never got the fireworks i wanted. To keep the story moving, it just turned into disaster, we were both just trying to fix our broken past. To be honest we never should have gone out again..which i take full responsibility for considering im the one who moved back. but we were honest people a year ago…and now we were just kidding ourselves.
So. Last night was actually when the big showdown went down. because you see, were both really shy people him about everything and me until i get to know you. he was drunk at a party, and had earlier told me to call him. i did and we spent the entire night calling recalling arguing and changing stories. depending on point of view is how this would be judged, so im not going to sit here and place blame or say that all man kind is worthless.
But along with taking a big shit after i woke up and eating some salty chips i decided that its been far to long that ive been living under a foggy haze of him. ive been so worrided that i should be who he wants me to be ive been trying to change for him…maybe thats my first mistake…but we wont go there, not right now, it still hurts to much. about moving on though. im not really sure how to do this…ive claimed ive done it before and ive attempted it. neither worked out that sucessfully. as you can obviously tell as im sitting here de-gutting myself. so first im going to try changing the little things, like telling everyone how much i appreciate them. like doing all my laundry before i run out of undies. like except myself, and then work for better, while still, if this is possible excepting myself. its hard to not just blame everything on him. but if im going to forget about him and or be able to face him in person without breaking down then this is what i need to do. Hell, this is what i need to do for myself!!!!
so here goes heart ach vs me take one.
whats after you?
what is there, when for so long ive thought about nothing but you.
after everything somehow relates to you
after you turn everything into a reminder of you
of before times were blue
all that i have for sure is this ach
one in my heart for wanting so badly
and the other in my head for drinking to much
is it so bad to want something so badly?
its almost like i needed you.
yet i sit here blue. without you.
i want to forget but i can only remember
everyone fed me doubts about you
then they asked what i saw
after that i should just dump you
and then thats when everyone told you i was a bitch
next i should except being a bitch because your a loser
somethings in life are ok, but still blue.
what makes it so bad is you never told me
you never even mentioned her.
not until you thought it would hurt me.
not until you wanted to scare me off.
its not like everything was peachy
this wasnt your picture perfect i smile you smile kinda thing
everyday was a new grave to dig every word was a new possibility for an arguement i just wanted to know if you were listening to me
i wanted to know if you could really hear me
why? why would i just keep dumping you?
Why did you keep coming back?
i needed you to need me
you didnt want to feel like an ass whole for not trying. you were trying to change the past.
i needed you to change the past.
somethings cant be done.
im sorry i wasnt good enough for truth in clishe
