hope in a dark tunnle « Illusionofasinner’s Weblog

hope in a dark tunnle « Illusionofasinner’s Weblog

hope in a dark tunnle

life is change.              sometimes you have to let go.                      

every moment is a new beginning, the wings of a butterfly guided by wind, one can hope, and only hope not to be dragged off to the wasted field. but that my good friend is why you have the strength, the muscles to fly off into a better place.

i want to create, something better, something without dark thoughts. a pure intention of happiness. i want to let go of my earthly appetites of living in the moment. i dont want to be controlled by desire or passion.

i need love. my heart aches, and keeps on aching, even when i have the idea. can it be trusted.

don’t let your thoughts be dragged down, please keep your head above the surface of the water. i don’t want to be those last bubbles of life floating in an upward direction towards the surface. the sea is an open area of freedom, yet if your ship crashes and sinks you must rely on skills of pure survival and chance. be my chance and not my lost island.

im scared, i cant lie, i cant hide it. i tense up and feel my body dragging me down. please dont let me drowned unheard, unseen for days. the blazed sun burning my scorched face, the water below torching my frozen skin.

let hope rescue me. let wings grow. dont forget that there will be a tomorrow. that there will be a next month, that there will be an exit, if you have the patience and survival skills to make it out alive.

after a bottle of pills. after a day in the hospital, moments later you know you want this life. yet why still tickles conscious minds. i dont want death though i dont know why. i was scared laying all day in a room empty except for bandages, clean beyond reasoning. naked under a skimpy hospital robe. i knew i wanted life. but i dont know why. all i can assume is there must be something im waiting for. why do i need that which pains me daily?

a few inspirational experienced writings and sayings give me hope, so i dont give up, but the moment doesn’t last, and yet here i sit wondering again.

one minuet wanting to help other’s out of their dis-pare, the next wondering if i can over come my own. i think of you and just wish to glue you to the back of luck, so you’ll never run amok. then remember this poison inside my own heart. this full of nothing feeling. scared it will spread. i need something.

i need something.

i put my pen to paper, yet only scribbles are released. I’ve lost all, and here i sit with nothing to do but stare an empty thought in the eyes. deep like a puddle turned into a lake, dark like its been thundering for years. so full and yet so shallow.

i have to go on. so on i trudge, regretting every second of it. don’t live for regrets they say. dont let the dark side win. dont give in. yet when i smile tears still come. and sleep never does.

i stay up until my body collapses itself. i cant get in a content moment. i cant let a happy thought continue. how could it be so easy.

you can do it. i tell myself in the middle of the night. a sad smile no one else ever sees. let me go on. have someone see something more than me.

all i want is love. true love. away from all this.

an escape. my feet imagine donning the shoes and becoming unglued from that which makes me stay. i cant leave them behind, i cant do that to them. but instead i hurt myself. i want to get away. i want fly away. let my wings form and empty me of this bloodied battlefield.

i can do it. i can. i can. i cant do it. i can.

good golly

about this whole, Bible Promise thing.

I don’t like it. For one I’m against Christianity in general, so anything with or involving the world “bible” and then adding a “promise” come on..

Second of all, this just goes to show how similar we are to sheep. How very similar.  A person is smart but people are stupid-unknown. We did not personally know this Jesus person and God is another idea, and yet we are will to commit our lives to their “words of wisdom”. Don’t you find that a bit odd, that we can’t just make our own life rules and decisions, that we need someone of “greater power” or maybe its “more worth” to tell us who to be!?

To the point, we do not know much about the true history of the bible, so to make a promise when you don’t even know all the background information, let alone the fact that I’m sure there  are people out there who haven’t even read the bible fully and yet still go about this whole business…come on. At least do a little research before jumping into anything. Why is it that you need something else, something greater? why can’t you be good enough. believe in yourself, and time will kill itself. live to love, FOR YOURSELF, jesus christmas.

i always thought of the brick wall.

To my sister she is a warrior. Letting battle hardy heart overrule all thoughts. Defending what is your own, so you dont get it ripped out of you.

To my mother it is Kung Fu, a chinese dance for thai food lovers. She’s always using force to get her point across. Sheer dumb, obviousness.

To my father its a game, who can smile the longest and keep on hitting strike outs. Joke after joke, when that dosen’t work out blunt force will solve it.

For my best friend, its something to be nurtured, no matter how hard it bites you can always talk it out.

For this guy i know, its his fault so he’ll take it out and cut his wrist’s while supposidly “living in the moment”.

For the guy that i want, it never comes up, its think ahead.

For my friend maria, it’s who cares, i am me. get over it. never look back.

For my kitty Bullet, it a mouse that should be played with, all the time. every time.

For my friend Jessy, all it needs is a smile and a positive lie.

For my friend vickey, all it needs is some make-up and to get laid.

But i’ve always thought of it as a brick wall. one that i build up over time. One that i can dance to music behind, smile behind, and paint a new world that i can run off into, where the stars stay out during the day, and dreams easily become reality. where your mind matter’s not your appearance. that one day i will join with. its the brick wall where eventually ill build one big enough if you try and hurt me, it’ll just seperate you and i. I’ll never tell you, but when the day comes and as you take two steps for ward an invisible force will knock you backwards. with circles arround your head you’ll stare up into an untouchable force. To knock it down would kill me, so with your purpose in mind you’ll never suceed. Even once you make it, youve denided your need. watch. my good judgement once lost is lost forever.

oodles of noodles

i am weakness

and you are the addicted love

i just cant get enough

when i want you, i need you

when you knock on my door

i let you in

when i kick you out

i smile and say its for good

a moment of satisfactory self gratitude

saying i don’t need you anymore

then sadness over rises and the ache kicks in

the empty spot where you had something

the one you can get over with time

the curiosity of is there anything else

a knock again at the door signals your return

hesitation

i open the door once more

let you in

and the cycle begins again                                                                                                                  oh when will it end?