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As the dew freezes over just before the sun rises over the eastern boarders to hit the mountains, with music pounding in through the head phones, the beat takes over and movement seems to just happen, some call it dancing others just know.
Never in time will there ever be another moment like this one. not once in the future will this moment in time be repeated, there may be others that seem similar, there may be things that make you feel as if life is a circle of the same ideas everyday, but truly its just like a finger print or DNA none are really going to be the same, maybe scientist locked up in their labs and their white jackets might be able to replicate them, but nothing can capture the true essence of this period in which breath is flowing.
As of late it seems that i have been searching high and low to be able to describe all the things or the main thing that contains life. What is it. Why are we here? why am i me? Those white jacket people may say that it is a normal feeling to have, and completely expected, but for me it has been unsettling. My once semi grounded world went for a spin and around bad ideas i went soaring.
Life is such a tricky little thing, when you aren’t expecting it, it lands upon your lap and gives you little puddles of joy, yet when you try and grasp it, all of a sudden its as slippery as a water frog. It seems i have been looking for an equation all this time when all i really need is a new perspective. Or thats what someone really close to me would say during a debate. The only thing i really want is not to become a robot, i dont want to depend on certain things to sustain my happyness, or style of life, i dont want to require things to keep on, i dont want to need anything.
I have so much love i want to give, and yet here i sit, im almost afraid of it.
This song that im listening to, i used to think of him ALONG ass time ago. this guy i liked, it always reminded me of him when it came on. then he went out with one of my best friends. we never really even hung out after that.
Everything it seems is closing in on me, and yet there is something in my blood, its the same thing that was there in that room, dont let your fear rule you, it whispers as i back into the corner. stand strong, it says, within these thoughts i find my back bone returning, i have found my connection to the earth, and i have found it within myself. now all i need is to keep searching as i have not yet found what i am looking for. just keep swimming.
And so here i am, at six am. an hour off seven eleven. yey me.
It must really suck to be an only child, i mean you wouldn’t have anyone to bug when you get bored at home, you wouldn’t have anyone to make fun of even though you do the same thing, you wouldn’t really have someone to be mean to when you really want to for no reason, and you wouldn’t have anyone to tell your secrets to, that you could just beat up if they pissed you off.
I’m so glad i’ve got mine sibilings. i’d prolly just die off with out them. even though i only live with one.
Although it kinda sucks when they act really stupid and there’s absolutly nothing you can do to help them out and even words upon their ears seem to kinda flow off into the empty side of nothingness. It makes me sad, i wish there was some way to get her out, im sure to her it seems like the entire world is closing in. && it sucks even more for her because right now things are pretty awesome for me, i know when im down and someone is on top of the world it makes the darkness around me grow out of jealousy.
Most of the time im pretty envious of my sister, she has so much in her life, just sometimes i wish she wouldn’t take everything for granted and appereciate things a little bit more, and maybe stop being so lazy, she’d be ten times cooler if she liked DOING cool things as opposed to just watching cool things, thats just boring.
On the otherside of the border i wish that i could get out of this shyness im stuck in again.
Earlier today i was standing out back behind my garage smoking and it hit me, im sure anyone walking by or driving would have looked at me crazy for talking to myself, but i seriously burst out and shouted “GET OVER YOUSELF” to myself. and basically told myself that it’s time to move on. because it is, i mean two years and here i sit still feeling like im in a delima, come on shelley, grow up.
Tree’s wouldn’t it suck being a tree? i mean you have to stand there everyday, like your whole life, and then you will most likely die at a young age by being chopped down and made into pulp for humans. We are really lucky that tree’s cant fight back because they would start a huge rebellion, like on Lord of the Rings, yea, they SLAUGHTERED that dumb ass fucking wizzard.
Well got to go deal with more family. Love them but, seriously.
1. We all know the saying dont assume, yada yada, but the number one thing you NEVER want to assume on is trust. all plans under trust backfire, guaranteed. no planning allowed, at least if you want the truth. pretty crazy right?!
2. Advise works best when you are listening. Open your ears, but keep mind in tackt, if needed tie a string around your brain/head to make sure it doesn’t get lost along the way.
3. I know we have all, all, all, been through this a million times, but really, dont bottle shit up. it gets highly dangerous after one little match goes off, if its near a bomb, you know, then comes the explosion. If need be, pretend to be an indian for awhile so you can take advantage of our great powers of spirit and mind, I, the indian shelley, grant you, permission to use my, shelley inidan, powers in good use from here on out. Yea, your welcome. remember me when your famous.
4. Some times laughter can come from unexpected places, including your own words or ideas, or you know, jumping into a river in freezing temperatures…=[ wait thats not right its more like...=] =] =]. yea.
5. No matter what freak dancing is fun, and at least you laugh at yourself when your doing it.
6. your not emo if you have shit in your life that you just cant handle, you emo if…ok, im not going there, i dont want a political fight on here…dont worry, i still love you emo ppl. yey.
7. After you walk five miles, monsters are heaven in a can. no more explanation needed.
8. Dont piss off the people who feed you dinner and could kick you out onto the streets, never a good idea. when it comes down to it, hop on their side if they need it, always looks good on your record.
9. no matter what always remember where your ppl are. keep em in your heart dont let stupid shit get in the way of that.
I FOUND Me, through inspiration of this pic, planing my 18th bday, and musiccs in the background. As well as talking to some of my friends.
here is what i wantt.
A house where everything in it is my canvas.
A life i can call good, happy, loving.
A coffee house i visit everyday,
A coffee house i can sit and talk to friends in for hours.
for hours about nothing and everything
A life with music always in it
A love that inspires life
a canvas is just a white blank page. its just the key to unleashing worlds. Don’t let it limit you.
Go beyond the canvas, look to the ideas.
The key to unleash your heart is not in the blank white, its not even on a flat surface, think 3d.
live to love.
It seems that these days it’s not your abilities to solve problems, or fight the great battle that makes you a person, but you ability to ignore and keep on going. Thats how it goes, eventually if you just ignore it, your problem will die. Or at least thats the message everyone seems to be telling me.
I know this is terrible but right now i really just hate my family. And the only reason that is is that it seems like they are all working against me. I’ve tryed many different ways of reasoning, and nothing is satisfactory. It’s like nothing i do in the world these days is good enough for anybody. It is so hard for me not to run away from it all. I’ve done it a million times before, it’s just that i said i was going to take this path so im trying to stick to my word. Running away is easy. There are a million different ways to do it. The thing that is hard is staying to face the seven foot four hundred pound giant who thinks youd make a tastey snack. Fighting him off and living till the end is hard.
The thing is i wish i got a little more appreciation out of them for the little things that im trying to do to make their life easier, like just being nice even when they’re being douchy, to a certain point, and trying to take care of them. But my words are somehow lost in the empty ablyss between my mouth and their ears. I mean, im not saying that im a saint, or at least im not trying to, everyone gets pissed off, and occasionally resorts to fowl language, me ok, i do it alot, but to be honest what most people would consider fowl language is just normal everyday life for me, [and by most people i mean soccer moms and librarians].
It’s just like i try all day to cheer my sister up and make her laugh, which i do a little, with the help of lulz cats and a good friend, but then she just goes back to moping and not talking to me, and then calls her friend after bitching at me for wanting to use it still when it dies, and basically kicking me off considering i was still in the middle of talking, and gets all happy cheery, like my words just never reach her ear, or they just dont matter. What ever.
And My freaking mom is being all bipolar, she takes everything the wrong way, and then acts like a hypocrite, and just overall is a bitch.
Just when keeping on feels like its a desert closing in on all sides the feeling of helplessness looms in. And my heart ache’s still. I just want a normal life. but, i wont get one, anytime soon anyways.
Six months, SIX MONTHS. six.months. come on, plz let this be it. i need to find a way. I’m tired of having no control over my life, im tired of not having a say in what i can and can not do. GRRRR. all this is just ridiculously bullshit. why am i not a bullshit guru? ok, new plan, become bullshit guru. THAT MUST WORK. this must work, all bets on bull shit guru, take one. cross your fingers for me.
finally i was able to sleep. it has been some time since i could just sleep. i just woke up like half an hour ago and its past 2:45, so nice.
anyways, i just read the most beautiful depressing blog ever, about a wife losing a husband, but it was so much more than that, you could feel all her years of loving him rise over you, and then her sadness as he’s now dead. This made me think how incredibly silly i have been and how i’ve over exadurated everything, it is somehow relieving to know that there is more out there in every direction, puts into perspective how this is just a momentary set back.
1.Frustrating.
2.Confusing.
3.Stupid.
4.Fail. Epic Fail.
To devludge a little bit more i guess i could go into details. Nothing to exciting just pent up frustrating, invading thoughts infecting and brining on loneliness a friend im sad to lose. but time goes on, and it seems talking to youself is not half so fun. OK, anyways, frustrating, it seems my earthly appetite into discovery and desperation overtaking way of self worthless ness still remain in full. There are brief time periods when i feel on top of the world, and then the sudden crash and realization. How is it that every time things seem like they are heading in a good direction they snap once more? god, why do i sound so incredibly emo? WTF mate? just what would you do if you had nothing to do all day, everyday, and you were entirely dependent on someone else who keeps fucking things up?? dust the corners? its just hard to find hope and smiles. The world always seems distant to me, Whenever things are good my past worries are like a bad dream that i once had, but when they are bad good things seem to be nonexistent. i get to caught up and let things affect me to much. that is the cause for most of the confusion. As for the stupid, that is basically everything that i am right now, every word that comes out of my mouth, every move i make, all my jokes, and even some of my friends. Failing is me right now. pure and simple. or at least how i feel, i dont know how you can feel fail, but thats it. how i feel. Anywho, just thought i’d get all that out there, so its not stuck in here, and maybe now the cleaning wont be so boring and dreadfull so i can think more about how cute the guy who plays van helsing is as opposed to how gay my life is. nighty night.
i’m giving you this umbrella and wishing you safety and love, but it is time we part ways. it has been a great journey.
i know what your thinking.
and if you are ever in need of a good song, but grow tired of fall out boy, i suggest Senses Fail, their best song and one i dedicate it to you, Calling All Cars.
hopefully, we at least had a few good laughs. it’s time however, to go back to real life.
-my last loves going out-NOW- hope ya caught em. peace.
Side Note: i know what your thinking, “i just shit my pants!!!” dood that sucks, good luck cleaning that out. Good bye my good friend, i will remember these times as pleasant ones, where sleep was foreign and laughs were often. Savor these last words of mine, until i become famous and you can hear my words whenever you choose. Im so sorry it had to end this way, this terrible way…but get over it. =/. =p. lol, i know you will.
final score.
INIDANS : WON!!!! [duh, because were awesome]
GLASSES : ZERO!!!! [because i will always win, biotch]
