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I’m turning this into my bitching blog, because i need somewhere to vent to, because i just cant go forever with out complaining, and right now i have to put my best face forward. just a warning.
Shit is building up, but as variables change so does the outcome. This is really something that i am learning lately, and i am getting probably the harshest lesson in it that i possibly could. People that i have considered friends for forever are after a second look not looking good, which has led to me acting in a manor that is not unreasonable for myself and my own needs in life. Unfortunately this involves us not being friends, however before you jump to conclusions much like everyone around me seems to be doing stop and think about it, and you’ll see that once more common sense prevails and i [as usual] am right. And for once I am going to stand up for MY self. When things aren’t going well change must happen, and all you can do is hope for the best. Which is my position.
So here’s the scoop. I have three buddies of mine that i was going to move in with. The first one used to be my best friend, i moved-we both changed-i am now living with her parents, which I owe them so much for-, The second one old buddie who i have known since grade school-not the best of people. Third is second ones best friend also first buddies bf.
I wasn’t a while ago so sure if i wanted to move in with the second buddie due to her over dramatic nature and total lack of respect for cleanlyness. in other words she kinda smells funny, her house is kinda dirty and like she doesn’t take care of her self at all. Picture mc donalds gone goth.
I told my first buddie whom i currently live with that and she told me i had to talk to the second buddie on my own. I said ok. Buddie number one jumped to the conclusion that i was going to start a bitch fight and called buddie number three told him to tell buddie number two only that “she had nothing to do with what COULD happen involving me.” He told buddie number two that i said i wanted her kicked out of the situation blah blah blah. Buddie number two only a few hours of me saying this calls me up and starts yelling at me. at first i tryed to be all calm but after a certain point just said fuck it, but what i told her was she had it wrong and that calling me up and yelling at me was NO way to try and get me to move in with her. For the next two days no one would stop calm down and listen to the fact that all iwas going to do when i went to talk to buddie number two if i even did would have been just to make sure she was clean, not going to try and do shit and maybe work out something. I was never going to scream at her, or anything like that at all and i hate the fact that no one gave me the benifit of the doubt or even calmed down or tryed to listen to what i was saying.
So, after the water settled i went and talked to buddie number one and now we’re not getting a place which is ok with me. Mostly because i am not going to live in a house where everyone is going to gang up on me and think of me in a way that i’m not.
I mean, i understand that yea i have changed in the time that i’ve been gone, and yea, im way different but you know, it’s like none of them stop to listen to me, and i cant really live in a situation like that. Maybe i did get the situation wrong but you know what, if we cant communicate on a calm pleasant basis there is no reason we should move in together.
Phew it feels so good to get that off my chest.
now off to search for appartments.
Oh me oh my. i never really liked cherry pie.
Being back in the real world is a lot different than i thought it would be, although, that might have something to do with the fact that i think not lying to myself is ACTUALLY working. Not that it’s making anything easier or better right now, but im getting the things i want more. I’m not looking forward to the fact that tomorrow i actually have to get up early and go out and get another fast food job, just in case the job i applyed for at the hotel falls through. Since i’m looking for a job that im intending on keeping for awhile im being a bit pickeyer than i was the first time around i went job hunting. Because now i have a little -teney tiney – bit of experience under my belt and i know more of what i want.
UGH! another problem on the horizon. ok i lied, it’s not on the horizon it’s sitting in my living room drinking soda. This girl, whos about to be my room mate, i’ll call her alvin for name sake and not spilling details. you wanna know the story? ..good. Alright, this girl Alvin, i’ve known her since second grade. aka i know her about as well as i know myself. [and the fact that i dont know myself that well really has nothing to do with this i was merley referring to how one should know one's self is how i know alvin.] she’s not a pretty person physically or mentally, nothing about her is nice. she can make an awesome illusion of amazing-ness when she wants to sure, but her deep down self, i doubt has changed within the last two years i have seen her. however i’m not yet sure i can handle living with her. just her habits and dirtyness and lack of responsibility and so on. i told one of my other room mates to be and she FREAKED out. and now there is nothing but drama drama drama on my door. Hell maybe i’ll get lucky and they wont want to be my roomie and then i wont have to. That is a ok with me. If they ask ME not to, i wont, i can find somewhere else easily. however i’m not going to go to the trouble of trying to kick one of them out, or removing myself because it is such a delicate situation. If need be i’ll sneak out right as the ball drops when it comes to signing the lease, and squiggle my way out of it.
On top of that, i really want to find some people who i can relate to, and be friends with. So, i really want to focus on finding real friends who aren’t going to talk shit about me beind my back it’s just i have no idea where to look. I’ll just do what i love doing and hope to find someone awesome along the way? i guess thats a good way to go. then at least we’ll have something in common. Man it’s been so long since i’ve been around a variety of people, it’s weird, and i cant let the illusion brought up by seeing alot of faces every day cover the fact that at this moment in time i dont have and true honest to god i’ll be there when shit happens and back you up and be back up when needed friends. I just have to get myself motivated and excited enough to be more outgoing again. I’ve become so secluded. i wish at times like these i had someone to slap me across my face and tell me im being silly again. oh wait i do. well thats all for now, i’m gonna go make a call.thanks for reading to all my fans. haha jk bout that last part. PEACE.
OK, So i just moved in with my best friends mom and her recently. Or rather my old high school best friend from two years ago. She just graduated and i would have had i stayed in school. I have moved around alot these past two years and been through alot. We have both changed, and i have stopped lying to myself. Now, im not sure what kind of change has taken place, or what the cause is, but i find hanging out with her and my old friends absolutely tedious work. I barley do anything all day, and yet at the end of the day i am tired extreamly mentally and physically. I am hopefully getting a job at the hotel where she works at as a maid, and my interview is tomorrow, and by the end of the summer we are hoping to move into a house for going to college in.
I am really jealous of her because she has a lot of stuff that i dont have, and has so many more oppertunitys than i do, and yet she is throwing them away like it’s nothing. She had to struggle to graduate when she has so much going for her, and i wish she could see this and live up to how much more awesome she could be, as apposed to settling for whatever because she is lazy, and has been babyd all her life. I know she is really pissed off at me, and you know, i dont really care. I’m tired of always bowing down and settling for other peoples ideas or backing down in fear of hurting someones feelings, i like my idea for once, and im sticking to it. IM A BITCH GET OVER IT.
My problem is this: do i move in with her now, and maybe go through the trouble of moving out half way through school, or do i choose to back out and look for a place on my own. There is one Key Detail that i have left out until now, which is her moms bf is buying a place for us to move into. Harsh. that is so tuf. i mean, they have been so supportive of me so far, and they do think im a bit dumb but like whatever, and i cant just throw all that away, and thats another thing, how am i supposed to ever repay them for helping me out? what says thank you as much as i mean it? i think sucking it up and getting through college does. so i guess i’ll stick it out, it’s not like i have to be best friends with the girl, or even friends, we can be roommates and get along just fine, i’ll never hate her, just think she’s making mistakes, which she has a right to just like everyone else. fuck, everyone knows i’ve made to many already. i guess it’s dumb of me to really be doubting all of this over one little argument. i still have my dignity and so does she.
Here’s a interesting fact. I know this girl who most of the time lies and has a million secrets and you never know if whats coming out of her mouth is true or false. However, i just read a very interesting blog that she wrote on Myspace, which i dont really respect because first of all its myspace, and second of all she’s just painting a picture of who she is through myspace as opposed to going out and creating a life. Anyways, back on track i just finished reading this blog she wrote, most of it is to cover up who the hell she is which is a mystery to me, and there were alot of nasty insuations, however i was astounded at how much truth was in it. About how much life changing truth was in it. and i just thought you know, no matter weather something is for a truthful cause there is truth to a lot of things. In one way i hate that it is so easy to word things right and get away with them, but at the same time it is interesting to see where things go from there. i personally hate lieing and liars, but sometimes you cant avoid them, and as much stress as it seems to be causing me, there is always that time when you just have to put up with it, or deal with it. anyways thats just my interesting little fact of the night. good night.
basically describes how i feel right now.
i feel like i need people alot, and i would do anything not to loose the people i have. Even the people i have but dont really have, like they live to far away, or we aren’t really that close of friends. At the moment the alchoholic bevredge is my friend. we get along just fine. i’m not really sure who to trust and who not to. People that i love have been turning their backs on me in the wrong ways recently. but i do feel a bit needy and clingy at the moment. It’s just that i finally have something good going for me and i dont want to lose it. I guess it’s just like gambleing, i mean everyone is going to lose in some way but if you have the mind set of you win anyways then you do, dont you? i just need to find my winning streeks, where they lay and what they are.
i have a few ideas but im not going to say if they are or not for sure. because everything changes.
well thats about it for now. but things are still going so there will always be more news. love always and forever. *muah*
