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i’m giving you this umbrella and wishing you safety and love, but it is time we part ways. it has been a great journey.
i know what your thinking.
and if you are ever in need of a good song, but grow tired of fall out boy, i suggest Senses Fail, their best song and one i dedicate it to you, Calling All Cars.
hopefully, we at least had a few good laughs. it’s time however, to go back to real life.
-my last loves going out-NOW- hope ya caught em. peace.
Side Note: i know what your thinking, “i just shit my pants!!!” dood that sucks, good luck cleaning that out. Good bye my good friend, i will remember these times as pleasant ones, where sleep was foreign and laughs were often. Savor these last words of mine, until i become famous and you can hear my words whenever you choose. Im so sorry it had to end this way, this terrible way…but get over it. =/. =p. lol, i know you will.
final score.
INIDANS : WON!!!! [duh, because were awesome]
GLASSES : ZERO!!!! [because i will always win, biotch]
Seriously. I’d like to know.
I think I’m my biggest problem.
How do you just say “FUCK IT”
and live how you want to
despite what other people say.
How do you just ignore it?
Have i got it wrong..?
am i just supposed to change it somehow?
do i…?
I think it’s just because i’ve always had a certain way
of being told who to be
now i don’t
and i’m quiet clueless as to what
to do with myself.
Who am I??
I.?
there’s nothing anyone can even say to that.
right now,
i don’t even have anything to say to that.
whatever i do what i want.
wait..
no, i don’t.
Geeze.
happy thoughts oh where are you?
good things oh where have you gone?
what happened to what i thought was reality?
where have i gone?
it’s like i’ve momentarily checked out mentally
and now i’m running
on pure instincts.
&& there’s not much there.
my world as i look around
is strange and unfamiliar
every time i check back in with myself
it seems that i don’t recognize the girl in the mirror.
she’s always changing.
when i check back in for good, i better have
some dam good stories.
and explanations.
because right now. i don’t have shit.
you should have known. thats all i can think of.
but the message somehow got lost in translation.
the reality did.
oh well. one more day wasted.
emo=state of depression, while still in mind, before crazy.
it’s supposed to be you can control it.
but then it’s supposed to be [life=control]
because then your a control freak[if you do]
it’s all commentary in this game we set ourselves up for.
yupp. can’t sleep again.
i went to this writers work shop thing that our teen center staff holds, theres only like four teens that go to it, me, so guy who’s being nice to me, a young kid for extra credit, and a really really REALLY tall dood with a voice that sounds like an eight year old shy girl [i mean guy]. Then theres the five other amera corps people who go too. we all have a blast. it helps out with my writing a lot, but now it’s to late at night to sleep, plus i have an awkward rep that im worrying over, for some unknown reason, i can’t really think stright right now so spell check is my best friend, and otherwise i’d be writing something interesting. im honestly astounded that i manage to sit upright.
Anyways, to talk about something and not just babble to myself, A book that i’ve been reading, Sometimes you get so ALONE that it just makes sense. Charles Bukowski. its poetry. but for me the name says most of it, Thats how i feel these days. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what i do, i still feel completely alone in this small town in the middle of nowhere. You’d think by now i’d be used to it, and culture shock would ware off, but no.
Right now, & in moments like this is where i feel it, where my life has been a shell filled by other people, explained by nature. I don’t have anyone telling me what to do, or who to be, I sleep in until one in the afternoon, i do a bunch of random nothings through out my day, it’s not all that bad, just incredibly boring. and boredum does bad things for me. it drives me crazy. & i can’t really seem to find a way to focus my energy either. pretty soon i’ll be screwing mr nice guy who goes to writers workshop with me if im not care full. then ill really be a “slut” whatever. people talk shit. why is everything a battle? no, hopefully i’ll find someway because i honestly don’t really find mr nice guy to be all that nice. he talks alot of pretty words but does alot of not so pretty things. besides hes friends with and lives with my ex’s friends the ones who i think really really really don’t like me but still say they do. and their still “trying” to hang out with me. whats their deal? why do they have to so badley prove that they’re trying to be my friends? it might be guilty consioncience[SHIT I CANT FUCKING SPELL] from a year ago.
ok, now, here’s the part where i go into trying to figure out this whole why are [they] trying to still be my friend, and i really don’t want to, i don’t want to get caught up in the stupid drama here. I’m moving soon, it doesn’t matter, don’t let it get to you. i am not getting sleepy.
idk idk. im just scared that no matter how many times i think it out there will be some other possiblitie and in the end they’ll still be there laughing going “you should have known, you should, have known” im just scared i’ll make ANOTHER bad choice. it seems to be what im best at.
lets see:
1.dropping out of high school.
2.going to job crops,
3.everything that happend there[ok, somethings that happend there]
4.dropping out of job crops.
5.quiting taco bell [thus having to move back nearly a year later to the stupid town that i dropped out of school to get away from]
6.going out with [kyle]
and those are just the life changing ones. theres alot of little ones in between.
sometimes i think i hate writing, but i think it’s just because when im writing about myself i only write about things that i hate because i dont like telling people in real life all my problems. i dont know why, so then when i go back and read what i’ve written i feel like i don’t even sound like myself. it’s weird.
the person who i used to be seems to me now to be so young and nieeve. so innocent in a way. now i feel like i could take on japan, or the world. or rather i am taking them on.
this must be why most of my writing sounds so tired also. three thirty in the blinkin morning.
“why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends, why cant we-e be friends, why cant we be friends?”
thats my official theme song while i’m living in this dump hole. i hate it here. but it so nice and lovely. BUT I FUCKING HATE IT. sigh. if only the keyboard could truely take away this clogged up feeling i have in my chest.
Is basically what Him and I have been reduced to. Just seconds ago the guy I can’t seem to get over walked out the back door. As always making up some excuse as to why he had to leave right this second. Believe me, honey, you don’t need the excuse.
The thing is between us we have no chemistry, we don’t have much in common, and we’re both two of the most awkward people to be around. Well on my part its just I try and blend in where ever I go taking lead form the other person…For his, not sure. I always need him when I think things are over.
I’m pretty sure it’s my insecure personality that is keeping me tied to him.
What it is he wants I’m just not sure, but my theory that looks the most likely is also the harshest, The sex. The easy sex. The fuck and leave. He tells me stories so deep down inside he doesn’t have to feel bad about it and can convince himself that it’s true and he’s not an ass whole.
The most fucked up thing about it all though. Is we’re both just fine with it now. Talk on the phone when he’s outta town everyday. Fuck like once a week when he’s in town.
Once I move though, I’ll cut off contact. Because otherwise this mind fucking that we’re doing on the side will kill. Kill what I’m not sure about.
I kinda feel like a terrible person. but some part of me just excepts it. It’s weird.
Like I said though. side note is i don’t get along with his friends so they think the worst of me, so that’s why he leaves, to ditch me to hang out with them. which is why i wont feel bad ditching him when i move for some cutie in seattle. But he come’s i try and get him interested in some intellectual thing he hates, we fuck, he munches a bite to eat, awkward conversation where i try and ignore him because i think his ideas are stupid he leaves. yup. It’s all good, all the time.
I think of you and all I see is a dead end. We have come to a point in which we cannot pass. There is no way if we don’t both compromise, to which you and i despise.
Freedom plagues the mind, a word to which it is it’s own trap. wonder that.
A paper rose with lead and time, a deception of the mind. again you lied to me. then covered it up with beautiful words and talk of blue instead of grey.
But you cannot change an empty land, not with a hundred million witch’s not with a hundred thousand wizards not with billions of soldier’s.
Let your hand guide the way back out. Otherwise it was only a trap.
With the path laid down before feet we stumble upon it. Your drunk and tripping on your feet, im not strong enough to carry you.
You try and choke her in the night. The dark aiding your misteak. The quiet a ward against thinking to loudly.
Well. Your wish has come true. She’s no longer alive inside. Although her body still breaths. Minor draw back.
It’s Ok, your unleashed. If indeed that was how you looked upon it. I never really needed it. Pretending is something I’ve gotten good at, just from pretending everythings ok…but it is ok. So. ok. goodbye. ok? ok.
it’ll be mended and forgotten in the morning.
i am weakness
and you are the addicted love
i just cant get enough
when i want you, i need you
when you knock on my door
i let you in
when i kick you out
i smile and say its for good
a moment of satisfactory self gratitude
saying i don’t need you anymore
then sadness over rises and the ache kicks in
the empty spot where you had something
the one you can get over with time
the curiosity of is there anything else
a knock again at the door signals your return
hesitation
i open the door once more
let you in
and the cycle begins again oh when will it end?
the past is something gone, that you still kinda have
in your memories
clinging to them as you sit in a barren land
trying to scrape up the last crumbs of the cake
wont make you a new one
i remember wanting something new
having the will power to shrug off past hardships
and over come obstacles unthinkable
i remember being with the wind
flowing threw these desperate times
seeing as the blind do
then i came upon a swamp
that looked like a grand castle
i was sucked into my illusions of great ideas
once realization came i was overcome by quicksand
so here i lay
can i grasp reality
take hold and know that the future will come
that not everything that defines me lies in my mistakes
my hear pounds in fear of losing you
and my head aches in treachery of trying to get rid of you
you are my cigarette to the cancer lover
you are my romeo who fell for Juliette instead
you are the cake to the obese
i love you
but were bad for each other
& i don’t want you to change
as an afterthought i still love you
but its time we let go of the past
im sorry but [i still love you] its time we move on.
on common ground we sand.
each with our own band of wits
who’s whats and nots
i move before you can strike
to scared to be stabbed in the back.
you crawl back in your most pitiful manor.
i realize i shot to soon.
or maybe i just really want you.
you have my attention
yet the line is still silent.
it must mean destruction.
firing sets motion.
again your put into shame.
you come back claiming peace and love
sending a dove
we sit down to tea
and let it be
you shatter my cup against the wall
and you watch as i fall
smashed down turning brown.
my shit, you’ve revealed it.
my early bombing you’ve discovered.
crash course.
I shoot in time.
I’m moving in with the next door lime.
You discover my new spot.
come back brushing away the dots
of blood on your jacket.
Let me hold you once more
come now open your door.
As you stand in the walls of my heart
& play darts
the question again comes to lips
why dip?
i reveal an imaginary side of myself
i cant win you in battle
but if i out wit you will you
stay away.
End this circle.
i care not for crusade’s
love me not
i don’t want your pain.
whats after you?
what is there, when for so long ive thought about nothing but you.
after everything somehow relates to you
after you turn everything into a reminder of you
of before times were blue
all that i have for sure is this ach
one in my heart for wanting so badly
and the other in my head for drinking to much
is it so bad to want something so badly?
its almost like i needed you.
yet i sit here blue. without you.
i want to forget but i can only remember
everyone fed me doubts about you
then they asked what i saw
after that i should just dump you
and then thats when everyone told you i was a bitch
next i should except being a bitch because your a loser
somethings in life are ok, but still blue.
what makes it so bad is you never told me
you never even mentioned her.
not until you thought it would hurt me.
not until you wanted to scare me off.
its not like everything was peachy
this wasnt your picture perfect i smile you smile kinda thing
everyday was a new grave to dig every word was a new possibility for an arguement i just wanted to know if you were listening to me
i wanted to know if you could really hear me
why? why would i just keep dumping you?
Why did you keep coming back?
i needed you to need me
you didnt want to feel like an ass whole for not trying. you were trying to change the past.
i needed you to change the past.
somethings cant be done.
im sorry i wasnt good enough for truth in clishe
there was this girl.who kinda fell for this boy.
at first it seemed like all odds were against it.
but this boy showed this girl
something better than odds
silly odds how could they not know they could be so wrong?
then somehow after this short golden period
stupid shit came up
and more stupid shit
but you never really saw this stupid shit…
it just kinda brewed up bubbling slightly under the surface
everyonce in awhile one would pop into explosion
but things went on the way they were
because you really cant fight a good thing
its not fate, not even close, it cant be something that doesnt exist
somehow its gravity, it hurts to resist it.
but there was this weird feeling that loomed up
a shadow behind the girl
i know this will sound crazy, but it was just to good
there cant be something as simple as this with
everything needing a meaning whoha bullshit whatever
that hurts in a new way
one you would dig out your heart to get rid of
its so contaminating and contageous
but this girl didnt want to lose something that she didnt have that was right in front of her face
she knew it all along
somehow was blinded by desire
to ideas pulling her paper heart to find the weak points
eventually it started flip flopping
back and fourth
between this and that
an easy fix in a nonrealated problem
tempted its way into disaster
after that this girl knew that she was the one
she was the one who was fucking it up
every beat in her body dreamed of a way to fix these broken thoughts
a whisper in the middle of the night
a promice she made
never told
far to unbold
just awhile ago the lightning striked
testing the string wrapped arround said girls heart
and it shattered
just as if it never mattered
and her promice was broken
the only thing left to do is to walk away
because no matter how much you dig
youll never get to china that way.
iloveyou
ialwayswillloveyou
imsomutherfuckingsorryihadtofuckshitup
again
