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i’m giving you this umbrella and wishing you safety and love, but it is time we part ways. it has been a great journey.
i know what your thinking.
and if you are ever in need of a good song, but grow tired of fall out boy, i suggest Senses Fail, their best song and one i dedicate it to you, Calling All Cars.
hopefully, we at least had a few good laughs. it’s time however, to go back to real life.
-my last loves going out-NOW- hope ya caught em. peace.
Side Note: i know what your thinking, “i just shit my pants!!!” dood that sucks, good luck cleaning that out. Good bye my good friend, i will remember these times as pleasant ones, where sleep was foreign and laughs were often. Savor these last words of mine, until i become famous and you can hear my words whenever you choose. Im so sorry it had to end this way, this terrible way…but get over it. =/. =p. lol, i know you will.
final score.
INIDANS : WON!!!! [duh, because were awesome]
GLASSES : ZERO!!!! [because i will always win, biotch]
So, i don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out, but i’ve realized that- hey, you just can’t make every body happy, so right now shoot for yourself then along the way hopefully you can bring up some one else, and that will be THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!
but once someone makes up their mind all you can do is let them realize their mistake and help them out with they fall.
i just hope i can get that little bit of happiness back that i never had.
yupp. can’t sleep again.
i went to this writers work shop thing that our teen center staff holds, theres only like four teens that go to it, me, so guy who’s being nice to me, a young kid for extra credit, and a really really REALLY tall dood with a voice that sounds like an eight year old shy girl [i mean guy]. Then theres the five other amera corps people who go too. we all have a blast. it helps out with my writing a lot, but now it’s to late at night to sleep, plus i have an awkward rep that im worrying over, for some unknown reason, i can’t really think stright right now so spell check is my best friend, and otherwise i’d be writing something interesting. im honestly astounded that i manage to sit upright.
Anyways, to talk about something and not just babble to myself, A book that i’ve been reading, Sometimes you get so ALONE that it just makes sense. Charles Bukowski. its poetry. but for me the name says most of it, Thats how i feel these days. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what i do, i still feel completely alone in this small town in the middle of nowhere. You’d think by now i’d be used to it, and culture shock would ware off, but no.
Right now, & in moments like this is where i feel it, where my life has been a shell filled by other people, explained by nature. I don’t have anyone telling me what to do, or who to be, I sleep in until one in the afternoon, i do a bunch of random nothings through out my day, it’s not all that bad, just incredibly boring. and boredum does bad things for me. it drives me crazy. & i can’t really seem to find a way to focus my energy either. pretty soon i’ll be screwing mr nice guy who goes to writers workshop with me if im not care full. then ill really be a “slut” whatever. people talk shit. why is everything a battle? no, hopefully i’ll find someway because i honestly don’t really find mr nice guy to be all that nice. he talks alot of pretty words but does alot of not so pretty things. besides hes friends with and lives with my ex’s friends the ones who i think really really really don’t like me but still say they do. and their still “trying” to hang out with me. whats their deal? why do they have to so badley prove that they’re trying to be my friends? it might be guilty consioncience[SHIT I CANT FUCKING SPELL] from a year ago.
ok, now, here’s the part where i go into trying to figure out this whole why are [they] trying to still be my friend, and i really don’t want to, i don’t want to get caught up in the stupid drama here. I’m moving soon, it doesn’t matter, don’t let it get to you. i am not getting sleepy.
idk idk. im just scared that no matter how many times i think it out there will be some other possiblitie and in the end they’ll still be there laughing going “you should have known, you should, have known” im just scared i’ll make ANOTHER bad choice. it seems to be what im best at.
lets see:
1.dropping out of high school.
2.going to job crops,
3.everything that happend there[ok, somethings that happend there]
4.dropping out of job crops.
5.quiting taco bell [thus having to move back nearly a year later to the stupid town that i dropped out of school to get away from]
6.going out with [kyle]
and those are just the life changing ones. theres alot of little ones in between.
sometimes i think i hate writing, but i think it’s just because when im writing about myself i only write about things that i hate because i dont like telling people in real life all my problems. i dont know why, so then when i go back and read what i’ve written i feel like i don’t even sound like myself. it’s weird.
the person who i used to be seems to me now to be so young and nieeve. so innocent in a way. now i feel like i could take on japan, or the world. or rather i am taking them on.
this must be why most of my writing sounds so tired also. three thirty in the blinkin morning.
“why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends, why cant we-e be friends, why cant we be friends?”
thats my official theme song while i’m living in this dump hole. i hate it here. but it so nice and lovely. BUT I FUCKING HATE IT. sigh. if only the keyboard could truely take away this clogged up feeling i have in my chest.
the past is something gone, that you still kinda have
in your memories
clinging to them as you sit in a barren land
trying to scrape up the last crumbs of the cake
wont make you a new one
i remember wanting something new
having the will power to shrug off past hardships
and over come obstacles unthinkable
i remember being with the wind
flowing threw these desperate times
seeing as the blind do
then i came upon a swamp
that looked like a grand castle
i was sucked into my illusions of great ideas
once realization came i was overcome by quicksand
so here i lay
can i grasp reality
take hold and know that the future will come
that not everything that defines me lies in my mistakes
my hear pounds in fear of losing you
and my head aches in treachery of trying to get rid of you
you are my cigarette to the cancer lover
you are my romeo who fell for Juliette instead
you are the cake to the obese
i love you
but were bad for each other
& i don’t want you to change
as an afterthought i still love you
but its time we let go of the past
im sorry but [i still love you] its time we move on.
People really underestimate the damage heart ach can do to a person. especially say, me because i, apparently am so over dramatic about everything. Ok a little side thing here, i just dont get that… like what am i supposed to have the emotional span of an ant? nothings gonna be that great and not everything is terrible…its gotta just be because i dont live under a rock.
Anyways, the real point here, i feel like i died last night. well, it could be that i spent the last year and a half only thinking about one guy, and when we finally go out i never got the fireworks i wanted. To keep the story moving, it just turned into disaster, we were both just trying to fix our broken past. To be honest we never should have gone out again..which i take full responsibility for considering im the one who moved back. but we were honest people a year ago…and now we were just kidding ourselves.
So. Last night was actually when the big showdown went down. because you see, were both really shy people him about everything and me until i get to know you. he was drunk at a party, and had earlier told me to call him. i did and we spent the entire night calling recalling arguing and changing stories. depending on point of view is how this would be judged, so im not going to sit here and place blame or say that all man kind is worthless.
But along with taking a big shit after i woke up and eating some salty chips i decided that its been far to long that ive been living under a foggy haze of him. ive been so worrided that i should be who he wants me to be ive been trying to change for him…maybe thats my first mistake…but we wont go there, not right now, it still hurts to much. about moving on though. im not really sure how to do this…ive claimed ive done it before and ive attempted it. neither worked out that sucessfully. as you can obviously tell as im sitting here de-gutting myself. so first im going to try changing the little things, like telling everyone how much i appreciate them. like doing all my laundry before i run out of undies. like except myself, and then work for better, while still, if this is possible excepting myself. its hard to not just blame everything on him. but if im going to forget about him and or be able to face him in person without breaking down then this is what i need to do. Hell, this is what i need to do for myself!!!!
so here goes heart ach vs me take one.
whats after you?
what is there, when for so long ive thought about nothing but you.
after everything somehow relates to you
after you turn everything into a reminder of you
of before times were blue
all that i have for sure is this ach
one in my heart for wanting so badly
and the other in my head for drinking to much
is it so bad to want something so badly?
its almost like i needed you.
yet i sit here blue. without you.
i want to forget but i can only remember
everyone fed me doubts about you
then they asked what i saw
after that i should just dump you
and then thats when everyone told you i was a bitch
next i should except being a bitch because your a loser
somethings in life are ok, but still blue.
what makes it so bad is you never told me
you never even mentioned her.
not until you thought it would hurt me.
not until you wanted to scare me off.
its not like everything was peachy
this wasnt your picture perfect i smile you smile kinda thing
everyday was a new grave to dig every word was a new possibility for an arguement i just wanted to know if you were listening to me
i wanted to know if you could really hear me
why? why would i just keep dumping you?
Why did you keep coming back?
i needed you to need me
you didnt want to feel like an ass whole for not trying. you were trying to change the past.
i needed you to change the past.
somethings cant be done.
im sorry i wasnt good enough for truth in clishe
