i’m giving you this umbrella and wishing you safety and love, but it is time we part ways. it has been a great journey.

i know what your thinking.

and if you are ever in need of a good song, but grow tired of fall out boy, i suggest Senses Fail, their best song and one i dedicate it to you, Calling All Cars.

hopefully, we at least had a few good laughs. it’s time however, to go back to real life.

-my last loves going out-NOW- hope ya caught em. peace.

Side Note: i know what your thinking, “i just shit my pants!!!” dood that sucks, good luck cleaning that out. Good bye my good friend, i will remember these times as pleasant ones, where sleep was foreign and laughs were often. Savor these last words of mine, until i become famous and you can hear my words whenever you choose. Im so sorry it had to end this way, this terrible way…but get over it. =/. =p. lol, i know you will. 

final score. 

INIDANS : WON!!!! [duh, because were awesome]

GLASSES : ZERO!!!! [because i will always win, biotch]

Confessions Of a Shelleymiester

things to keep in mind.

1. Procrastination is how i work..at anything..like ..[to be continued]

2. I wear dirty jeans when i run out of clean ones, or when the ones i really want to wear are dirty. Undies some time too. =[. hehe.

3. I shave my legs once in a great while, not ever other day like i should.

4. I DO care how i look, all the time, when i look good, i feel good.

5. I'm terrible at putting on makeup. and often look like Frankenstein's bride to be, yes i could give Mary Shelley's characters a run for their money.

6. Google and Dictionary.com are my number one most used resources when i dont know what someone is talking about.

7. At least 50% of what i talk about has to do with me. and yes, i am self centered.

8. Anything that makes me laugh i will like. when it comes to laughter i'm an addictee.

[i laugh at mean things]

9. I have the memory of a Gold fish, and i refer to all of my friends to “that one dood” for the first three weeks of hanging out.

10. I spy on the neighbors, and read magazines front to cover when i get them [which is why i dont]

11. I enjoy threatening to beat people up, even though i would lose any battle i got into, because im a wimp.

12. I’m slightly bipolar. i think. and i cant make a solid decision and follow through with it.

13. I also enjoy dancing in my pantys and singing in the shower. I cant play my guitar to save my life. && i forget half of my great ideas before i can put them down on paper.

14. I probably act like a mom alot, not sure, but probably.

15. I love odd n random things, but when you stop to think about it, im really not much of either, im just as predictable as anyone else. like, i freaking die for good kisses. and cry during sad movies. and not sad movies.

16. I’m a really big baby and act like a spoiled brat, but most of the time try and pass off as a really analytical knower of all. once i get set on a point of view i wont budge. i can’t even make myself budge.

17. I love all animals and might be considered a hippie, without the grose things like dread locks and taking showers once every month. but i dont like wearing shoes.

18. 11 is my lucky number, and i dont know how thats a confession but there we go.

“Not Fair”!!!!

Do you remember way back in the day when you were younger and you didn’t get your way “not fair” was what you used to throw around at your parents to try and persuade them into joining your marvelous ideas? Then as time went on you realized that barley anything was “fair” and you got so pissed off and went into teenage rebellious mode. If you do, then you may have something to relate to me, because i am just coming out of it, and trying not to get pissed and shoot peoples heads off.

I’d go into details but its all just stupid stuff like letting my sister get away with everything, seeing her dirty laundry all over my floor because we’re both on a laundry strike, i mean, i can handle mine, but her racing strip undies…ew. She just pierced her nose, and she has way more freedom than i did, ok wait, thats not true, she’s just way LAZIER than i was i that age, i mean the reason my room was always a mess was that i was never in it and there for saw no reason to keep it squeeky clean. Plus she talks alot of shit about me and then is nice to my face, it pisses me off, ok she’s nice when the rents’ are here, other than that its “i do what i want”. ok, so, i guess that, i was actually kinda the same, just different facts, but gah, it’s just so weird with her all like how i was not so long ago, and how i dont know who i am at the moment, and i’m tired of having to be her mom because mine isn’t here. she’s difficult and i have no back bone when it comes to arguing with her, she’s got way to much dirt on me. there’s really nothing i can do except watch the damn show. its just so, NOT FAIR!!!

ok, so i know i just said i wouldn’t go into details…but you know, i just got carried away.

 

Here’s to me!

So, i don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out, but i’ve realized that- hey, you just can’t make every body happy, so right now shoot for yourself then along the way hopefully you can bring up some one else, and that will be THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!

but once someone makes up their mind all you can do is let them realize their mistake and help them out with they fall.

i just hope i can get that little bit of happiness back that i never had.

How Do You Overcome Yourself?

Seriously. I’d like to know.

I think I’m my biggest problem.

How do you just say “FUCK IT”

and live how you want to

despite what other people say.

How do you just ignore it?

Have i got it wrong..?

am i just supposed to change it somehow?

do i…?

I think it’s just because i’ve always had a certain way

of being told who to be

now i don’t

and i’m quiet clueless as to what

to do with myself.

Who am I??

I.?

there’s nothing anyone can even say to that.

right now,

i don’t even have anything to say to that.

whatever i do what i want.

wait..

no, i don’t.

Geeze.

happy thoughts oh where are you?

good things oh where have you gone?

what happened to what i thought was reality?

where have i gone?

it’s like i’ve momentarily checked out mentally

and now i’m running

on pure instincts.

&& there’s not much there.

my world as i look around

is strange and unfamiliar

every time i check back in with myself

it seems that i don’t recognize the girl in the mirror.

she’s always changing.

when i check back in for good, i better have

some dam good stories.

and explanations.

because right now. i don’t have shit.

you should have known. thats all i can think of.

but the message somehow got lost in translation.

the reality did.

oh well. one more day wasted.

emo=state of depression, while still in mind, before crazy.

it’s supposed to be you can control it.

but then it’s supposed to be [life=control]

because then your a control freak[if you do]

it’s all commentary in this game we set ourselves up for.

From zero hero back to zero in .05

This blink in time.

nothing seems to rhyme.

things are in a way, getting there.

but then there’s that

little frustration of waiting for the water to boil

then fuck it, put the noodles in

then throw away the instructions

then, duh, you don’t need em anyways

how many times have you made mac and cheese?

please.

time is getting in the way of boredum

boredom  likewise for time

dont you wish you had some wine

i don’t actually have any friends it feels like

just people saying “we’re here”

ok, your there, doesn’t do any good when nothing happens

people using, me using, boredom still sits untouched

i do a million things in a day to pass time

but at the end of the line

it’s what sits and awaits me.

bleek. meek, seek.

BAH! idk.

I JUST WANT TO DRIVE FOR MILES AND MILES

and get away from here, and stay far away. the farther away the happier i’ll be.

everything boiled down just seems

so…again i don’t know.

[welll actually] it’s not that i don’t know

its that i just don’t want to think about it

i’ll just go finish the cheese mac thats prolly ruined cuz i forgot it

while playing cards. and writing. and drifting off into thought.

peace.

you know, sometimes, it just hits me.

WOW!

so for all this time, i’ve been thinking that i would come back here and figure out what i want to do[here as in this little shit hole town] by process of elimination, by taking everything else out of my life that i thought was ok and then whatever i had left was going to be it. be me[in a certain way]. and then i started this blog because i was bummed that i STILL haven’t found one.

i mean i kinda play my guitar, video games are kinda fun, annoying people and destroying my rep is ok, but none of it really felt like it was me, just stuff i was doing to keep myself occupied and unbored. Then it freaking hit me. There is something i do everyday to create stuff, my own stuff, sometimes it is on the computer and most times not, but i do it when i have overwhelming frustration, not so much when im really hyper, or happy, but i’m trying to work that in. oh yea, to the point. ITS WRITE.

how could i not have seen this?? i do it every day, in a million different ways. just wow. it honestly took me this long to figure that out???? i mean, its right in front of me all the time. i’ll seriously even write on my leg if i have nothing else handy. WOW. JUST WOW. im amazed. FIVE MONTHS of me thinking i had nothing. [plus the last seventeen years of my life] but. yup. there it is. and now i’m good. YEY ME.

What it all comes down to.

The Decision. I’m not quiet sure what im supposed to be deciding but it feels like i should be saying something here. I need to really decide [or create] who i am. who am i? i don’t even know.

i just dont know right now.

tiredd=bad spelling and not caring, aka pointless blogging

yupp. can’t sleep again.

i went to this writers work shop thing that our teen center staff holds, theres only like four teens that go to it, me, so guy who’s being nice to me, a young kid for extra credit, and a really really REALLY tall dood with a voice that sounds like an eight year old shy girl [i mean guy]. Then theres the five other amera corps people who go too. we all have a blast. it helps out with my writing a lot, but now it’s to late at night to sleep, plus i have an awkward rep that im worrying over, for some unknown reason, i can’t really think stright right now so spell check is my best friend, and otherwise i’d be writing something interesting. im honestly astounded that i manage to sit upright.

Anyways, to talk about something and not just babble to myself, A book that i’ve been reading, Sometimes you get so ALONE that it just makes sense. Charles Bukowski. its poetry. but for me the name says most of it, Thats how i feel these days. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what i do, i still feel completely alone in this small town in the middle of nowhere. You’d think by now i’d be used to it, and culture shock would ware off, but no.

Right now, & in moments like this is where i feel it, where my life has been a shell filled by other people, explained by nature. I don’t have anyone telling me what to do, or who to be, I sleep in until one in the afternoon, i do a bunch of random nothings through out my day, it’s not all that bad, just incredibly boring. and boredum does bad things for me. it drives me crazy. & i can’t really seem to find a way to focus my energy either. pretty soon i’ll be screwing mr nice guy who goes to writers workshop with me if im not care full. then ill really be a “slut” whatever. people talk shit. why is everything a battle? no, hopefully i’ll find someway because i honestly don’t really find mr nice guy to be all that nice. he talks alot of pretty words but does alot of not so pretty things. besides hes friends with and lives with my ex’s friends the ones who i think really really really don’t like me but still say they do. and their still “trying” to hang out with me. whats their deal? why do they have to so badley prove that they’re trying to be my friends? it might be guilty consioncience[SHIT I CANT FUCKING SPELL] from a year ago.

ok, now, here’s the part where i go into trying to figure out this whole why are [they] trying to still be my friend, and i really don’t want to, i don’t want to get caught up in the stupid drama here. I’m moving soon, it doesn’t matter, don’t let it get to you. i am not getting sleepy.

idk idk. im just scared that no matter how many times i think it out there will be some other possiblitie and in the end they’ll still be there laughing going “you should have known, you should, have known” im just scared i’ll make ANOTHER bad choice. it seems to be what im best at.

lets see:

1.dropping out of high school.

2.going to job crops,

3.everything that happend there[ok, somethings that happend there]

4.dropping out of job crops.

5.quiting taco bell [thus having to move back nearly a year later to the stupid town that i dropped out of school to get away from]

6.going out with [kyle]

and those are just the life changing ones. theres alot of little ones in between.

sometimes i think i hate writing, but i think it’s just because when im writing about myself i only write about things that i hate because i dont like telling people in real life all my problems. i dont know why, so then when i go back and read what i’ve written i feel like i don’t even sound like myself. it’s weird.

the person who i used to be seems to me now to be so young and nieeve. so innocent in a way. now i feel like i could take on japan, or the world. or rather i am taking them on.

this must be why most of my writing sounds so tired also. three thirty in the blinkin morning.

“why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends, why cant we-e be friends, why cant we be friends?”

thats my official theme song while i’m living in this dump hole. i hate it here. but it so nice and lovely. BUT I FUCKING HATE IT. sigh. if only the keyboard could truely take away this clogged up feeling i have in my chest.