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i’m giving you this umbrella and wishing you safety and love, but it is time we part ways. it has been a great journey.
i know what your thinking.
and if you are ever in need of a good song, but grow tired of fall out boy, i suggest Senses Fail, their best song and one i dedicate it to you, Calling All Cars.
hopefully, we at least had a few good laughs. it’s time however, to go back to real life.
-my last loves going out-NOW- hope ya caught em. peace.
Side Note: i know what your thinking, “i just shit my pants!!!” dood that sucks, good luck cleaning that out. Good bye my good friend, i will remember these times as pleasant ones, where sleep was foreign and laughs were often. Savor these last words of mine, until i become famous and you can hear my words whenever you choose. Im so sorry it had to end this way, this terrible way…but get over it. =/. =p. lol, i know you will.
final score.
INIDANS : WON!!!! [duh, because were awesome]
GLASSES : ZERO!!!! [because i will always win, biotch]
Even the words as i write this hesitate before entering the world.
Now it seems i have two different planets side by side that speak two different languages, and i alone am set to the task of making them reconnect.
The first one is planet earth, with all its people,glory, shame, ideas, and pictures upon it. It is the realm of constant-ly changing into the same.
The second is the one i have somehow created it is my ideas, thoughts, needs & wants. It is very opinionated and can be hard to persuade.
As i sit on my porch stairs i watch as a small glimpse of daily life travels by me. I sit and question the reasoning for what used to be part of my own daily procedure.
I’m trying to imagine myself back in that world, and as looking at a puzzles edges of how the individual pieces fit together you see that they all match up perfectly, but by color and design you can see that this piece does not belong there. Even when you zoom out and the picture is more diverse it still seems a bit off key.
The second planet is one strange and foreign, at least to anyone else reading this. On this foreign plant you should know that during the day the stars shine by way of eyes, and at night the sun does not go down, a symbol of peace and hope.
At times it is known that the two worlds will never coexist peacefully side by side, this is a fierce sign of chaos: when chairs are upturned and suspicion roams the lands below. every noise is a reason to jump, in fright, and every word a new plot for destruction These times are the troubled ones in which i now live. I alone am here to with stand the pain, help where it is needed and endure all great hardships. I am the one who must clam the tides of uncertainty and restore freedom.
I’ve decided that when this is all over
I will be God[dess]
insane
in sane
go inside a drop of sanity
look past humanity
between vanity’s
and dump can it’s all over me
We sit inside time
looking for rhymes
avoiding the limes
spending out dimes
time is the meaning time is the answer
being fought by cancer
your hours dedicated to
becomes you
where does importance lie
fuck it lets get fryed
could you pass my
mask before i start to cry
we are but actor’s in the play
set in may
the month of a to long day
keeping the truth at bay
time looks us dead on in the face
to bad there is no mace
big enough to crack it’s face
but it is still an open case
time is the dance time is the audience
masked by “cants”
you are face value
on a menu down in malibu
a voter is nothing alone entity
like men attracted to tittys
action disguised as background laughter
a voter is nothing alone entity
Battling to survive
none will arrive
when racing time
you can’t match its jive
the question is the answer
has the missing link
passed by without a wink
try not to think
you’ll end up gone within the blink
So, i don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out, but i’ve realized that- hey, you just can’t make every body happy, so right now shoot for yourself then along the way hopefully you can bring up some one else, and that will be THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!
but once someone makes up their mind all you can do is let them realize their mistake and help them out with they fall.
i just hope i can get that little bit of happiness back that i never had.
The Decision. I’m not quiet sure what im supposed to be deciding but it feels like i should be saying something here. I need to really decide [or create] who i am. who am i? i don’t even know.
i just dont know right now.
yupp. can’t sleep again.
i went to this writers work shop thing that our teen center staff holds, theres only like four teens that go to it, me, so guy who’s being nice to me, a young kid for extra credit, and a really really REALLY tall dood with a voice that sounds like an eight year old shy girl [i mean guy]. Then theres the five other amera corps people who go too. we all have a blast. it helps out with my writing a lot, but now it’s to late at night to sleep, plus i have an awkward rep that im worrying over, for some unknown reason, i can’t really think stright right now so spell check is my best friend, and otherwise i’d be writing something interesting. im honestly astounded that i manage to sit upright.
Anyways, to talk about something and not just babble to myself, A book that i’ve been reading, Sometimes you get so ALONE that it just makes sense. Charles Bukowski. its poetry. but for me the name says most of it, Thats how i feel these days. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what i do, i still feel completely alone in this small town in the middle of nowhere. You’d think by now i’d be used to it, and culture shock would ware off, but no.
Right now, & in moments like this is where i feel it, where my life has been a shell filled by other people, explained by nature. I don’t have anyone telling me what to do, or who to be, I sleep in until one in the afternoon, i do a bunch of random nothings through out my day, it’s not all that bad, just incredibly boring. and boredum does bad things for me. it drives me crazy. & i can’t really seem to find a way to focus my energy either. pretty soon i’ll be screwing mr nice guy who goes to writers workshop with me if im not care full. then ill really be a “slut” whatever. people talk shit. why is everything a battle? no, hopefully i’ll find someway because i honestly don’t really find mr nice guy to be all that nice. he talks alot of pretty words but does alot of not so pretty things. besides hes friends with and lives with my ex’s friends the ones who i think really really really don’t like me but still say they do. and their still “trying” to hang out with me. whats their deal? why do they have to so badley prove that they’re trying to be my friends? it might be guilty consioncience[SHIT I CANT FUCKING SPELL] from a year ago.
ok, now, here’s the part where i go into trying to figure out this whole why are [they] trying to still be my friend, and i really don’t want to, i don’t want to get caught up in the stupid drama here. I’m moving soon, it doesn’t matter, don’t let it get to you. i am not getting sleepy.
idk idk. im just scared that no matter how many times i think it out there will be some other possiblitie and in the end they’ll still be there laughing going “you should have known, you should, have known” im just scared i’ll make ANOTHER bad choice. it seems to be what im best at.
lets see:
1.dropping out of high school.
2.going to job crops,
3.everything that happend there[ok, somethings that happend there]
4.dropping out of job crops.
5.quiting taco bell [thus having to move back nearly a year later to the stupid town that i dropped out of school to get away from]
6.going out with [kyle]
and those are just the life changing ones. theres alot of little ones in between.
sometimes i think i hate writing, but i think it’s just because when im writing about myself i only write about things that i hate because i dont like telling people in real life all my problems. i dont know why, so then when i go back and read what i’ve written i feel like i don’t even sound like myself. it’s weird.
the person who i used to be seems to me now to be so young and nieeve. so innocent in a way. now i feel like i could take on japan, or the world. or rather i am taking them on.
this must be why most of my writing sounds so tired also. three thirty in the blinkin morning.
“why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends, why cant we-e be friends, why cant we be friends?”
thats my official theme song while i’m living in this dump hole. i hate it here. but it so nice and lovely. BUT I FUCKING HATE IT. sigh. if only the keyboard could truely take away this clogged up feeling i have in my chest.
Today, i saw this picture of a rose and it had every single pedal on it a different neon color, it was kinda art full, but not really. Why would you do that? when somethings already pretty just how it is. Now its just a weird looking bunch of pedals wanting to be a rose. It’s ugly now. Where o’hh where has simplicity gone?
What happened to the days when dirt on your knee’s signified status as opposed to state of bum?
Where are the days when riding your bike was just cool and didn’t have to be “extreme” or “your a nerd” came into play.
Why can’t a girl have friends that are guys without being a slut?
[i could go on and on, im really tempted to but when i get on a roll it never ends]
my point, why does friend ship always need to go a step farther, why do you need “A’s” instead of “B’s”? and why is it that you need a receipt for everything. there is absolutely no trust. the love vanishes the farther away from home you go, and shit just builds up.
Take time, and appreciate things right now. Live in the moment and see how beautiful something can be without spicein it up. ehh?
Billy Talent’s song, Fallen Leaves.
Right now I’m in a really analytical mood, and there is really nothing i can do except analyze my heart out, and this is where i am to do that. Because at one am in the freaking morning i dont have anyone to talk to. sad fact of life. but whatever people need their sleep, kay not going into rambling.
Something I realized, which i know, i do waaay to much of. I need to stop realizing seriously, its starting to ruin my life. psh, what the hell am i talking about, my life, psh, now it seems to have come down to nothing. which it is. which i will establish only if i get truly bored. Any how, as i was saying my discovery, shit, what is my discovery? now i can’t remember. you see, this is how i get so damn caught up in my thoughts, they just go on and on. about nothing, and everything, and all that shit in between. done rambling.
The song, Fallen Leaves by billy talent. In a crooked little town they were lost and never found fallen leaves on the ground. yea, thats me right now. thats me for the past year now. Everything that i once valued and worked for right out the window. I know it’s a year later i should be over it and working for something different, but i believed i had something and in the works it has now disappeared. And i have made one bad decision after another, I’m trying to trace back my steps, [this is how i got into this redundant ponders] and where i end up is where i left what i wanted. So, i think, most of the time when i get into the stuck state of repeated nothingness, thats what im trying to figure out. is why i keep ending up in the same situation with a different colored banner on.
I’m freaking tired of waking up and having nothing to do. all day. every day. the same bleek cold outside. the only thing that seems to be changing is the fact that i have to stay up later and later to get myself to fall asleep. No matter where i go, what state, what city, what house, what people, it all seems to be the freaking same. Like when Jonas learns how ridiculous his little life was after a few days with the giver. And the same, you can’t really tell people that there’s anything else because they’ll call you crazy.
I’m tired of having nothing to tell. I want something new, something adventurous, thats probably why all of my reputation smashing took place with him these last few months. In idea sounded ok, whit him, in actuality it was more boring than cleaning the bloody toilet. I never knew anyone could be so boring. I need to get out. I need to see new faces. Visit new places, work for new ideas. I’ve run fresh out. and I feel like a bottomless pit of empty nothingness, and my life before seems shallow and dull. It’s like buying a new kitten after your cat becomes ten or so. except without the excitement.
I dont know what i want. I feel lost, but i hope i will get found.
it creeps along ,behind you
following, doing
seeing, watching
everything
at the end of the day
as you lie there thinking
he creeps into your mind
via ear
and takes over
like a dark
princess, ruleing as
nature.
at every shadow you
jump. waiting for each
bump, anticipation killing
sence. a knife into
thin air
a jab at nothing
again
kick backwards
into an empty
alleyway
look up towards the white blinding
light, sourounded by blue imagineing who
could be following you
looking down dry dirt and tiney
rocks. uneven cement turning slightly to the left
you see what you missed
connected to your heals is a black
eel. sneakey he takes the form of your
shadow. and you see he is
but an extension of
yourself.
don’t be silly. you can’t kill him.
